I signed the apartment papers today… and I feel like I’m going to throw up

I finally signed the papers for an apartment today. And instead of feeling excited, I honestly just feel anxious and emotionally exhausted. For a long time, I kept convincing myself that things in my relationship would eventually get better. There were always periods where things felt normal again, and I’d start thinking maybe I was overreacting or being too emotional. But over time, I slowly stopped feeling like myself around him. Every disagreement somehow turned into my fault. If I got hurt by something he said, I was “too sensitive.” If I tried to explain how I felt, I was “starting drama.” After a while, I stopped even bringing things up because I already knew how the conversation would end. I think the hardest part is that emotional abuse doesn’t always look obvious when you’re inside it. There’s no single moment where everything suddenly becomes clear. It happens slowly. You just gradually become quieter, more anxious, more careful with your words. Recently, my daughter said something to me that really stayed in my head. She told me she had been reading about emotional abuse online and that a lot of it sounded familiar. Hearing that from her honestly broke something inside me. Today, after I paid the apartment deposit, he told me he wouldn’t care if I died after leaving. And weirdly, that was the moment everything finally felt real. Not because it shocked me, but because part of me realized I’ve been accepting things that should never feel normal in a relationship. I’m still scared. I still feel guilty. Part of me still feels sad about leaving, which probably sounds confusing after everything. But I also know staying has slowly been destroying my peace for a very long time. So yeah… I’m doing it. I’m leaving. I just hope that one day this decision feels less terrifying and more freeing.