I Don’t Know What’s Harder Anymore: Staying or Leaving

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a marriage where I’m the only one trying to save it. Over the years, I’ve caught my husband chatting with other women multiple times. Every time he promises it won’t happen again. Every time I try to believe him. And every time a part of my trust disappears. The worst part isn’t even the chatting anymore. It’s the feeling that I don’t really know the person I’m sharing my life with. He doesn’t tell me how much he earns, where the money goes, or what our financial situation actually looks like. If I ask questions, it becomes an argument. If I ask for transparency, he says I’m controlling. If I ask for reassurance, he says I’m creating problems. Lately, whenever we fight, he casually brings up divorce as if it’s just another word in the conversation. Sometimes he even tells my parents to come and take me away, knowing very well that my situation isn’t that simple. The truth is, if it were only about me, maybe the decision would be easier. But there are two children watching all of this. Two children who still call him “Papa.” Every night I find myself lying awake wondering if staying is teaching them the wrong lesson, or if leaving would hurt them even more. I’m exhausted from carrying questions that don’t seem to have good answers. I don’t need anyone to tell me what decision to make. I think I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt trapped between protecting their children and protecting themselves.